Everybody’s got something to hide, except for me and my monkey

The real content of the teapot tapes:

JK: Nice to see you John.  Guess we ackshully had to do this at some stage.

JB: Yeah, Don’s fucked it up so really, really bad. I really need some help right now.

DPS goon (prompted by Wayne Eagleson): Okay, everyone out of here now! They want to talk in private.

Bradley Ambrose: But what about my mike?

DPS Goon: Oh, just fuck off.  You can get it later.

[Ambrose grumpily departs, exit stage left.]

JK: Yeah, I’ve ackshully always said Don’s an extremist. But he’s your Leader, so I can’t say it publicly now. But will you ackshully dump him after the election?

JB: Anything you say, boss. He almost had me facing corporate fraud charges along with Peter Huljich, so he’s no mate of mine.

JK: Cool, mate. I ackshully always knew you were a National man at heart. But I’m a bit concerned about that racist stuff you said on “The Nation”.

JB: I was just telling it like it is, John.  If we continue the bankrupt response of just paying young Polynesian, young Maori men in South Auckland, the dole to sit in front of TV, smoke marijuana, watch pornography and plan more drug offending and more burglaries, then we’re going to have them coming through our window, whether we live in Epsom…

JK: Hang on there a minute, John. I ackshully agree with you, but we can’t say that till after the election. Play it my way, John.

JB: Yeah, okay, maybe.  But there are votes in saying boongas are thick, lazy, and criminal. And it’s true. Just like saying beneficiaries are bludgers.

JK: Ackshully, you’re probably right.  And I wasn’t really ackshully all that serious about you getting rid of Don. That was just a negotiation ploy. Don’s welcome anytime on board the Good Ship NACT. You’re ackshully just gonna have to live with that.

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