Calling the one-stop mega call centre

Brrrp-brrrp, brrrp-brrrp, brrrp-brrrp

[Mechanical American voice] Welcome to the New Zealand Government one-stop mega call centre. If you have a tax issue please press ‘1’. If you have a social welfare issue please press ‘2’. If you have a motor registration issue please press ‘3’. If you have a birth death or passport certificate issue please press’ 4′, if you have a  court or prison issue please press ‘5’. If you have a health issue please press 6′, if you have an education issue please press ‘7’. If you are a visiting dignitary or ambassador and would like to speak to the ministry of foreign affairs please press ‘8’. If you are wealthy businessperson wishing to purchase a state asset please press ‘9’. To speak with an operator please press ‘0’.

[presses ‘0’]

[Dave Dobbyn’s ‘Loyal‘ plays on repeat for four or five times interrupted every thirty seconds by an announcement affirming that your call is important to the New Zealand government and an operator will be with you shortly.]

Brrrp-brrrp, brrrp-brrrp, brrrp-brrrp

Kia ora. Welcome to the New Zealand Government one-stop mega call centre.  You are speaking with Sharon. How may I help you?

Uh, yeah, hi Sharon, my name’s Stevedore.  I see in today’s Dominion Post that you deal with phone and internet inquiries. I would like some of that superfast broadband at my house please.

Certainly sir. If you can just type in your seven digit government pin number I will transfer you through to our broadband service link team.

Uhm, but I don’t know my seven digit pin number.

Sir, it was posted out to you last month. In that case I will transfer you to a computer which will ask you seven personal questions (such as what is your credit limit?, the password to your bank account?, have you ever cheated on your partner?) to confirm that you are you who say you are.

[transferred to computer and back]

Kia ora. Welcome to the New Zealand government one stop mega call centre. You are speaking with Sharon. How may I help you?

Hi Sharon, it’s Stevedore.  You just put me through to your computer, which sounded suspiciously like a Nigerian email scam.

Oh, yes.  I’ll transfer you through to our broadband service link team now.

Brrrp-brrrp, brrrp-brrrp, brrrp-brrrp

Kia ora. Welcome to the New Zealand government one-stop mega call centre. You are speaking with Sharon. How may I help you?

Hi Sharon, it’s Stevedore.  You were going to transfer me through to your broadband service link team.

Oh, yes, that’s me. Due to staff cut backs we are multi-tasking now.  It saves the government an awful lot of money you know.  Now, before we can connect your house up to broadband we just need to confirm that you have never been a beneficiary or an acquaintance with a known beneficiary. I’ll just transfer you through you Sharon in our welfare and privacy invasion team who will do a quick background check on you. After that we will need to confirm that you are not intending to use your superfast broadband for illegal breaches of copyright as defined by the Copyright Protection (Warner Bros Sycophancy) Act 2011, so I’ll transfer you through to our police team.  Then I’ll need to do a quick health check and a check with IRD to make sure you have no outstanding taxes…

[…Stevedore hangs up]

Dilbert Comic Strip

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s